DVD Rental: Reviews

Move over Jaws, there’s a new fish in town as director Alexandre Aja serves up this rather bitey remake of the silly seventies original.  In all fairness, remake is an understatement as this film’s storyline and characters bear very little resemblance to the ‘78 Piranha, or its sequel Piranha II: The Spawning (which happened to be the dubious directorial debut of one James Cameron).

The 21st Century version of Piranha, released as Piranha 3D in cinemas, is set during the all-American alchohol-fuelled bikini-bonanza known as Spring Break.  Young Jake, son of strict Sheriff Julie Forester, is unfortunately doomed to babysit instead of enjoying the madness, but porno director Derrick needs a guide on his boat so he knows all the best places to film his gorgeous actresses Danni and Crystal.  With this offer on the table,  Jake decides to leave the kids to their own devices whilst he goes and, er, enjoys himself.  He also manages to get a girl he likes to come along for the ride, but things take a nasty turn when little things with big teeth show up to spoil the party…

Some prehistoric, savage, bloodthirsty and generally quite irritable piranhas have been freed from their cave-like prison underwater, thanks to some kind of mini-earthquake or something.  This results in a very grisly death for Richard Dreyfuss (sending up his own Matt Hooper from Jaws, complete with ‘Show Me The Way To Go Home’ karaoke session), and this starts off an insane massacre that rarely lets up at any stage.  Much death occurs, along with gratuitous nudity and Ving Rhames using a chainsaw to make a sizeable ton of sushi.  It is bonkers.

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Love it or hate it, the Twilight beast rampages on, as book number 3 gets the movie treatment mere months after the release of predecessor New Moon.

In The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, emo-vampires and weightlifting-werewolves are forced to form an uneasy alliance after nutty vampire Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard) breeds an army of ‘newborns’. Vampires are at their most aggressive and lethal just after they ‘turn’, and Victoria plans to unleash this army on the sleepy town of Forks, with the ultimate goal of killing the frighteningly miserable Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart).

Victoria is miffed at sensitive gentleman vamp Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) because he killed her partner back in Twilight, and she believes the best way to exercise revenge would be to kill his beloved Bella. Meanwhile, stroppy werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner), aggravated by Bella’s preferred choice of lover, continues to insist that he is the right man-type-creature thing for her. Bella, to Jacob’s dismay, would much rather be a vampire with Edward, which happens to be part of an agreement made with super-vampires The Volturi, during the last instalment.

With the newborn army, and the aggrieved Victoria, on the warpath and heading straight for Bella’s neck, the awkward alliance of werewolves and vampires trains together for about 30 seconds, as they attempt to sharpen their tools enough to defeat the army before Bella is turned into soup.

Eclipse retreads so much of New Moon, and considering that New Moon was shockingly awful, this has not gone well. Eclipse may be following its source material, but that doesn’t mean that the exhaustive exploration of the love triangle translates well to the screen. The dialogue between Jacob, Edward and Bella is at times excruciating and wouldn’t be lost in a daytime soap opera.

Eclipse was marketed as the action-packed instalment that would be more accessible to those who have not been blown away by the surprisingly popular notion of emo-vampires. Considering that these films are about vampires and werewolves, the first two instalments haven’t seen a lot of action from either party, with the movies focusing mainly on Bella mulling over her oh-so-difficult life, whilst two men vie for her affections. In Eclipse we see more of Jacob trying to win her over, more of Edward being very dull and apparently uninterested in premarital sex with the gorgeous Kristen Stewart, more trees and fields, more shockingly bad CGI werewolves doing very little, more topless men and more of Bella being man-greedy, indecisive, morose, selfish, thoughtless and generally irritating.

We have seen so much of Eclipse in the other films, so perhaps it would have been best to cut down on these elements and bring the focus to some of the saga’s new story threads and themes. Unfortunately there is nothing else to the story, other than a weak plot about an advancing army that turns out to be somewhat of a pushover, so there’s nothing to fall back on that could provide the film with something refreshing.

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In 1997, director Vincenzo Natali wrote and directed a sci-fi horror movie called Cube which revolved around a group of strangers stuck in a construct of sadistically booby-trapped rooms, with no clue how to survive other than some seemingly random numbers engraved on each door. The fates of the characters were generally quite grisly, but the film itself posed some interesting questions about morals and the will to survive.

Natali planned to follow up that effort with a film exploring the concept and potential ramifications of genetic modification. His idea required a budget that simply was not available, but 13 years later he has finally been able to deliver Splice, a creepy, unnerving and ultimately thought-provoking slice of sci-fi horror pie.

Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley play Clive Nicoli and Elsa Kast, two genetic engineers who have been conducting research and experiments investigating the outcome of DNA splicing. They plan to start introducing human DNA into the mix, but the pharmaceutical company with all the cash is not too keen.

The persistent duo decide to oppose their financiers and proceed with their plans in secret, convinced that successful splicing of human DNA with that of other animals could provide cures to several devastating diseases.

Their secretive work spawns a creature that they name Dren (the reversed letters of the pharmaceutical company’s acronym N.E.R.D). The creature displays impressive cognitive development and rapidly grows into something akin to an inquisitive feminine teenager, albeit one with a tail and stinger.

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Back in 1987, Arnie and his platoon of tough hombres took on a freakishly ugly and manically violent alien creature with a penchant for hunting humans as sport. Needless to say, it did not go well for the humans, but Arnie came out on top using a clever combination of mud and one-liners. It also helped that he was built like a brick outhouse and was able to distract the beast with his confusing accent and peculiar dialogue delivery.

Predator is a classic, and one of many highlights on Arnie’s very respectable 80s action résumé. So it was a moderate shame when the somewhat lacklustre Predator 2 appeared and changed the setting to the concrete jungle of Los Angeles. It could have worked, and Danny Glover is pretty good, but it lacked the original’s sense of fun, and sported a far less entertaining cast, not to mention the fact that Predator was directed by Die Hard‘s John McTiernan, whereas Predator 2 was helmed by the director of Nightmare on Elm Street 5 and Lost in Space, Stephen Hopkins. Oops.

The intriguing and excessively violent character of the Predator lay dormant until Paul W.S. Anderson (Event Horizon, Resident Evil) made the move to combine Alien and Predator on the big screen; such a move had been equally revered and requested by the fans. Alien vs. Predator was acceptable yarn, despite slightly compromising the integrity of the canon of both sets of movies. However, Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem was utter dross, shot in total darkness using a script that offered the dialogue equivalent of horse faeces.

This could have killed both Alien and Predator, but Robert Rodriguez (From Dusk Till Dawn, Desperado, Sin City) had a script gathering dust for an alternative Predator 2 titled Predators (a rather blatant nod to Aliens). The execs found it, removed said dust and went to work getting Rodriguez to revisit his original idea.

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We have decided to start putting together regular reviews of some of cinema’s most unforgettable gems; movies that raise the bar, leaving us stunned and in awe of a true masterpiece. Today, we look back at 1998’s American History X, a disturbing, harrowing but ultimately brilliant non-linear portrayal of a neo-Nazi and his difficult journey through the complications of his misguided ideology.

Edward Norton is Derek Vinyard, a young man who excelled at school and was part of a contented suburban family until his fire fighting father dies whilst putting out a blaze in a predominantly black neighbourhood. The subtle seeds of racism had already been planted in young Derek’s mind by his late father, and the man’s untimely death served as a catalyst to his son’s simmering radical beliefs.

Derek moves on to become a leader for lost and troubled youths, going so far as to have a swastika tattooed on his chest, inciting race-related violence and vandalism and even making a bet with a group of young rival black youths that results in their `banishment’ from the basketball courts. Vinyard’s antagonistic behaviour results in the attempted armed theft of his car, which is noticed by Derek’s younger brother Danny (Edward Furlong, Terminator 2). Derek flips, kills the men, and receives a three year jail term for voluntary manslaughter.

Upon Derek’s release he is a changed man, having spent hard time in a prison where his racial prejudices and questionable moral values were truly put to the test. His time, though unpleasant, has had the necessary effect, but he comes out to find that Danny has grown older and is being lined up as a fitting replacement for Derek by twisted kingpin Cameron Alexander.

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Gorgeous rising starlet Gemma Arterton continues to take the movie-world by storm with her excellent performance in devilishly devious and delightful British thriller The Disappearance of Alice Creed. She has appeared in recent blockbusters Clash of the Titans and Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, but is still making time for homeland cinema and we should all be very grateful.

She plays the eponymous Alice Creed, who is taken, stripped, bound, gagged and left in the darkness by twisted thugs Vic and Danny. The two rotters have painstakingly fortified a small flat in an unknown location, and this serves as the set for almost the entire movie. Their grand plan is to force Alice Creed’s rich father to pay up £2million, through the use of some unpleasant photographs and video that effectively display Alice’s harrowing, brutal and potentially fatal situation. Vic is particularly bonkers; he poses a very genuine threat to Alice, as opposed to the younger Danny, who seems a little more confused and reluctant about the plan once he sees the physicality of the torment and stress placed upon the helpless girl.

Perhaps this sounds a little familiar, and the ‘kidnap a rich man’s daughter’ motif is not an original concept. However, this is a film packed with twists, turns and a couple of very genuine shocks. The film takes about 5 seconds to get going, and then bounds forward in a perfectly paced and gripping manner, demonstrating some real potential from writer and director J Blakeson. The script is excellent, with the beats coming at just the right time, and effortlessly executed with aplomb. The film is certainly not without its kinky side, and there is no holding back regarding nudity and violence.

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This maddening mess sees three violent and disturbed teenagers break into the home of an unhappily married and extraordinarily unlikeable couple. The pair are beaten and tied up within seconds, and the assailants then proceed to sit on the couch waiting for the couple’s son to come home so they can kill him for being a grass.

This lasts for almost 80 minutes, and it is excruciating; a mind-bendingly dull and lazy waste of time; time that could be spent doing something infinitely better, such as attempting to clean your teeth with a pneumatic drill whilst swallowing a rusty cheese-grater.

The painfully clichéd unhappy couple argue over dinner in a monotonous and badly scripted fashion about an affair that she may have had a while ago (it’s hard to keep track of the conversation due to its poor delivery). They answer the door and are attacked. They are subjected to occasional abuse of a severe nature, whilst the clock ticks down (somewhat erratically) to their son’s arrival, which is due to be met with a fatal response. That is literally it.

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This terrific low-budget thriller from little-known director Carlos Brooks is a real treat, especially considering it forms part of that dreaded straight-to-DVD selection.

Briana Evigan (Step Up 2, Sorority Row) plays Kelly Taylor, a bright and caring young woman preparing to enrol at college whilst leaving her autistic younger brother Tom (played by Charlie Tahan) in the care of a school for special needs.

They live with their unpleasant deadbeat stepdad Johnny (Garret Dillahunt; Last House on the Left, No Country for Old Men) as a result of their mother’s prior suicide.

Kelly’s payment to the special needs school falls through because Johnny empties the account. He has grand plans to turn the land surrounding their home into a mini-safari park; this includes the purchase of a tiger that comes with Meat Loaf’s official seal of evil. The non-payment means that Kelly must choose whether to leave young Tom in the incapable hands of their stepdad, or abandon her plans for college so that she can remain as his carer.

Things take a bizarre twist when a hurricane charges through the local area. After the house has been boarded up in preparation for the storm, an unseen figure lets the tiger (which has been starved for 2 weeks) loose in the house, before boarding up the doors entombing Kelly and Tom with the tiger.

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Prior to his untimely death in 2004, Swedish author and journalist Stieg Larsson wrote a trio of novels collectively known as the Millennium Trilogy. Written in his native Swedish tongue, the stories have proved a critical and commercial success, and all three have already been turned into Swedish language movies.

This month sees the DVD rental release of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, originally titled Män Som Hatar Kvinnor or Men Who Hate Women. The film, much like its source material, has enjoyed mass acclaim from pretty much everyone, and deservedly so.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo introduces the trilogy’s two main protagonists; firstly Mikael Blomkvist, a middle-aged investigative journalist writing for the magazine Millennium. His attempts to uncover the corrupt nature of Swedish billionaire and industrialist Hans-Erik Wennerström have gone awry and resulted in a libel case against him. He will have to serve three months in prison, but has a few months before he must face his sentence.

The title character and movie heroine is Lisbeth Salander, a twenty-something with prior issues relating to behaviour and mental stability, but a brilliant researcher. She has been hired by ultra-rich Henrik Vanger of the Vanger Group in order to check the legitimacy and authenticity of Mikael Blomkvist’s reputation as a skilled investigator.

Satisfied with Mikael’s credentials, Vanger meets with Blomkvist and requests that he investigate the disappearance of his foster child Harriet, who has been missing for 40 years and presumed dead. The circumstances surrounding the disappearance are more than suspicious, and Henrik suspects foul play from none other than a member of his own twisted, money-hungry family.

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Modern cinematic heavyweights Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio team up for the fourth time in this eerie and brooding mystery thriller, based on a novel by Dennis Lehane.

Set in the fifties, Shutter Island sees Leo’s U.S. Marshall Edward ‘Teddy’ Daniels investigating the apparent disappearance of a mental patient from a totally locked and guarded room. The patient, Rachel Solando, is a resident at the Ashecliffe Hospital for the criminally insane, located on the otherwise desolate Shutter Island.

Daniels is accompanied by his new partner, Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo), as they attempt to solve the unusual case. Their hospital ‘guide’ is head psychiatrist Dr. John Cawley, portrayed by Sir Ben Kingsley, who makes no bones about coming across as rather sinister and creepy.

It does not take long to establish that there is a lot more going on that a crazy woman with a talent for matter displacement. Daniels believes from the offset that the island and its inhabitants, including Cawley, have some dark and desperate secrets buried within those not-so-solid hospital walls.

Secrets from Teddy’s own past, a few suspect twitches from various characters, a cameo from Max von Sydow, a visit to the ‘off-limits’ prison/hospital on the hill, a secluded and mysterious lighthouse and some weirdness on a cliff all help to create a bizarre, baffling and intriguing mystery shot by a master of cinema.

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