The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Aching Yawn

breakingdawnposterIt’s that time of year again, when we are subjected to a movie adaptation of one of the Twilight novels. Whether or not the books are good is irrelevant; the first film was a fine balance of grim and dull, the second was an absolute slog and full-on filmmaking disaster, and the third was a marginal improvement but still awful in a way that leaves searing pain coarsing throughout the central nervous system.

So, Breaking Dawn was unlikely to do much except for the fully committed and blinded-by-devotion fans of the series.

Breaking Dawn – Part I sees the eternally depressed Edward and the eternally depressing Bella get married on an island, sleep together and have a baby. There isn’t much more to squeeze out in terms of a premise; the marriage ceremony seems to drag on longer than a German opera, and then they finally have sex, but not without Edward whinging his pitiful way through the process, emanating about as much eroticism as a dead cat.

Bella gets a couple of bruises from their night of vampire-human playtime, and then Edward insists they play chess for the remainder of their honeymoon. Lucky Bella!

We are saved from this nonsense by her pregnancy, but the weird baby-human-vampire inside her is a bit much for her measly pelvis. Jacob is still really upset about her choice, and stumbles through the film looking miserable and being annoying. Much of the same ground is covered, and there is a meagre threat from some of Jacob’s clan.

The performances are abhorrent, with US daytime soap-style line delivery, and a total absence of charisma. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner are all terrible in slightly different ways, and their little triangle has somehow been stretched out over six hours of achingly dull cinema. The minor shining light is a cameo from the awesome Michael Sheen during a mid-end credits sequence. Too little too late, sadly.

The cinematography continues to be glossy, but this does very little to improve the movie, and the effects still look cheap. The sequences where the wolves talk to each other telepathically, whilst growling and staring each other out, are unintentionally laughable, which at least fits with the quality of the acting.  The film picks up marginally towards the end as some stuff actually happens, but it’s ultimately as disappointing as Bella’s honeymoon.

The blatant monetary motive behind splitting the film into two parts is evidenced by the sheer lack of story stretched painfully throughout this fist abysmal effort.

‘Imprinting’ is introduced in Breaking Dawn – Part I, which happens when a shape-shifter finds their soul-mate, regardless of age or species. Let’s just say this leads to something horrendously creepy that will test your gag reflex.

The only thing that has imprinted on us after watching this movie is the desire to burn all available copies.

DVD Rental Review: 2/10

Leave a Reply